I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
