No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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