im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
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Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
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WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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