I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
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I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
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I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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