I cut my penus on the lid.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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