my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
