im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
