Texts From Last Night

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  (408): View more from California

  When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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  (408): When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus. http://tfl.nu/kpmf
  Replies (26) Good night (9142) Bad night (854)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.

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  (516): Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door. http://tfl.nu/5od7
  Replies (11) Good night (4484) Bad night (645)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

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  (410): Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever. http://tfl.nu/6xdo
  Replies (15) Good night (5047) Bad night (1003)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.

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  (402): I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise. http://tfl.nu/i6qg
  Replies (6) Good night (3344) Bad night (977)
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  (239): View more from Florida

  you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.

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  (239): you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now. http://tfl.nu/uslm
  Replies (1) Good night (3048) Bad night (800)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.

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  (602): I am NOT getting arrested in a wig. http://tfl.nu/5nul
  Replies (15) Good night (2636) Bad night (1039)
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.

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  (972): Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter. http://tfl.nu/4cll
  Replies (4) Good night (1787) Bad night (872)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.

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  (479): That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story. http://tfl.nu/a5zg
  Replies (2) Good night (1600) Bad night (652)
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  (347): View more from New York

  Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta

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  (347): Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta http://tfl.nu/zwtd
  Replies (6) Good night (1264) Bad night (538)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.

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  (615): We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably. http://tfl.nu/c0bc
  Replies (3) Good night (1922) Bad night (572)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

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  (+61): I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles http://tfl.nu/20ya
  Replies (3) Good night (1673) Bad night (469)
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.

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  (469): Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg. http://tfl.nu/v8uq
  Replies (5) Good night (1286) Bad night (442)
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.

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  (318): U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off. http://tfl.nu/1s94
  Replies (3) Good night (612) Bad night (308)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List

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  (405): Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List http://tfl.nu/9eia
  Replies (1) Good night (542) Bad night (196)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier

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  (207): i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier http://tfl.nu/yoel
  Replies (4) Good night (737) Bad night (297)

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