I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.