he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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