woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
