he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
