I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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