Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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