The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
