was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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