I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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