Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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