you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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