She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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