I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
