could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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