I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
