I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
