and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
