Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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