I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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