I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
