He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
