Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
