just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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