; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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