also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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