Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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