genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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