I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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