Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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