so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize