Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
