after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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