your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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