Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
