FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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