I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
