As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
