I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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