i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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