the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
