is your mom at the bar?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
