He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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