Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
