Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Pooping to opera.
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