Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
