we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
