the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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