may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
