I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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