You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
