my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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