So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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