Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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